Naked Chatting

There is no more vital part of being human than communication.  Taking an idea from your diseased, flawed, insane mind and transferring it across the atmosphere to land into someone else’s diseased, flawed, and more insane mind is a thing of beautiful confusion.  Even attempting to type comprehensible words onto an Inter-web blog can be a challenge of contumacious aesthetics.  It’s just f*cking hard!

I propose a simple solution to easing the struggle:  naked chatting.  From now on, no matter what the topic or purpose, strip bare to the world before engaging anyone in conversation.  Please understand, I mean for this to happen in the privacy of a house – I will not attend your trial and defend you stripping down near a playground to chat with a single mom.  But I do mean to strip down for EVERY conversation.  I don’t care if it’s your mom, your sister, or the Mormon you finally invited to enter your home and talk to you about Jesus’s adventures in the Old West.  Trust me, it’ll work wonders.

“How will that help anything!?”  I can hear the question escaping through your blushing cheeks like leaking helium from a embarrassed balloon.  Don’t you worry, I’m gonna tell you how it will help as soon as I strip out of these boxers and this graphic tee.  There, now I’m ready to truly communicate with you.  (Can’t you just picture me sitting naked at a computer, philosophizing?)

1.  Chatting Naked will prevent fights

Who’s going to fight with a naked person?  Probably the only fight you’ll get any attempt at is, “Will you please put your clothes back on?”  Just counter with, “I don’t think that’s what you wanted to talk about, seeing as I wasn’t naked before.  Let’s stay on topic.”  But perhaps the other person has the balls (figuratively or literally) to face a naked person and start a fight.  Are you really going to get in a yelling match with your tender bits flapping in the wind?  Of course not.  You’ll get to the compromise part of the discussion that much quicker.

2.  Chatting Naked will stop unwanted conversations

Unimportant conversations will vanish.  Do you really think your mother-in-law will want to discuss the three dirty glasses in her kitchen sink if she has to do it while looking at you naked?  That five dollars you spent outside of the budget to buy a milkshake will seem like small potatoes to your husband when he can see bush.  It’s not about intimidation, but it is about putting perspective on the little things that constantly seem to start the communication fights with which we surround ourselves daily.

3.  Chatting Naked changes your perspective

It’s truly amazing how much we are affected by underwear, clothes, and furniture.  Getting naked for a long conversation will change your posture.  It will remove distraction from a majority of your sense of touch.  This provides more brain power for listening and watching the other person.  And if they willingly strip too… oh the fun of intently watching someone talk with you naked.  You might actually begin to enjoy discussing politics with your best friend, or planning meals with your wife, or listening to stories of your childhood from  your grandma.  Okay, maybe not that last one.

4.  Chatting Naked distances sex from nudity

It’s a terrible by-product of our puritan based societal norms, but nudity and sex are interlocked.  Kids reach the age of three and everyone starts telling them, “Put some clothes on.  Being naked is bad.  Don’t touch your ding-a-ling.”  While nudity is often a requisite for sex, nudity is not in itself sexual.  Start chatting naked and you’ll see nudity is just a natural state of undress.  It’s a freedom from constraint.  You’ll certainly be able to tell the difference between art and pornography.

So give chatting naked a try.  Even you religious types shouldn’t have any big complaints.  After all, God spent a great deal of time speaking to a nude Adam in the Garden of Eden, and Adam spoke with Eve butt naked before she f*cked it all up by listening to the snake (who I suppose was also naked, but oh well).  So call a friend over, make some tea, and strip off your chastity belts, magic underwear, and conditioned aversions.  Chat naked with someone you like today!


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