Breaking Up is Fun to Parody

Dear Joan,

This is the hardest message I’ve ever had to type, mostly because I broke my right hand yesterday and typing with only my left hand is slow and tedious.  We need to end this relationship.  It’s not you, it’s me.  Or is it you?  Which of us is too lazy to lower the toilet seat and blames the other one when a midnight splash down occurs?  Maybe it’s both of us.  I just know that I haven’t been Happy in a long time.  You always get to role-play as Snow White, but you make me play as Dopey, Sneezy, or Prince Charming.  Relationships are a two-way street, you know?  I also think I should see other people.  I’m tired of wearing the blindfold when we’re having a threesome.

It just seems to me that this is the time when we should go our separate ways.  You can take the limousine waiting outside, and I’ll just drive the car with all the cans tied to the back.  Don’t worry, I’ll recycle.  I’m sure you’ll meet someone else during the honeymoon.  You’re a very sweet woman, when you’re covered in chocolate, and you have a great personality, for the first three weeks.  The last thing I want to do is hurt you, so I’ll save those comments for the very end.

This just isn’t working.  Why isn’t my “send” button working?  I knew I should have upgraded my phone last month.  We just seem to want different things at this point of our lives.  You want us to have kids and a house and a white picket fence, and I want those things with someone else.  You want romance and passion, and I want to throw singles at a stripper named Bambi.


Oh good.  My send button is finally working.  So anyways… good luck.  I guess I’ll see you around, probably when you walk down the aisle and reach the priest and me.  No hard feelings, right?  And you should really work on your bedroom skills… if it wasn’t for Viagra, you’d have never seen an erection from me.  (That’s the last thing I wanted to do.)



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