Awful Things to Say in Bed

In the interest of our social contract, I feel it is my duty to share these.  My “research subjects” (i.e. friends and confidants) call them, “Things you should never say to a woman when you’re naked in bed together and want sex.”  A long title to be sure, but we were dealing with a specific situation and consequence.  Remember, even if these seem obvious as no-no’s in the boudoir during happy time, these were brought up because someone didn’t think it was obvious once.

“Come here and wrap those huge thighs around me.”
It’s sometimes okay to say something like, “I’m gonna spank your fat ass,” if you say it in the right playful tone.  As a general rule of thumb though, try to avoid saying things that make the woman feel “big” (even if she is and you like that sort of thing).

“But my last girlfriend liked doing that.”
Women don’t like having to compete in bed.  If you think it’s bad to bring up a former girlfriend, try being polyamorous and bringing up a current one.  Definitely not going to have much freaky time if you make this faux pas.

“You taste (or smell) like you’re about to start your period.”
If you want to continue having cunnilingus in the future, just keep this one to yourself.  She doesn’t want to hear about the annoying bodily function she’s about to suffer through and very few people like having nookie when they feel dirty.

“I think I just found your first gray pube.”
As a member of the male species, I’ll just apologize for the idiot who said this one.  I’m just … flabbergasted.

“Your breasts are so much fun to play with… they feel like Play-Doh.”
Don’t let her know that you think of her as a plaything.  I mean, we all know she is your plaything during sex… but you’re not supposed to let her know.  And comparing her to a child’s toy is kinda obvious.

“First one to orgasm, wins!”
One of my friends was just horrified that her guy tried to make enjoying sex a competition.  Another of my friends said she’d happily accept the challenge.  But majority rules:  who cares who’s first?  Just enjoy the trip.

“You sound just like your mother.”
One, how does he know what your mother sounds like during sex?  Second, why is he thinking of your mother at this moment?

“Aren’t we getting a little old for foreplay?”
The answer is no.  You’re never too old for foreplay.  And if you feel you are too old for foreplay, you’re probably too old for the sex too.  So why are you there?

“Do I remind you of your father?”
A great lesson in saying things the right way.  “Who’s your daddy?” is an acceptable playful banter.  “Aye, poppy” is a classic sexy phrase.  But she doesn’t want her partner to be thinking of her mom, nor does she want to literally think of her dad.

Hope this helps anyone who wants to add a little sexy talk to their romantic endeavors from making some very funny (in hindsight) mistakes.


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