Disclaimer: This is the best blog ever written anywhere on the Internet. It combines the philosophy of David Hume, the pop culture fandom of Christian Bale and Christian Slater, a hint of self-deprecation, and the hard-hitting topics of sexism, religion, and airplane snacks. If you can find a better blog entry anywhere, you let me know. Personally – this is the apex of them all.
David Hume once postulated that even though we have observed the sun rising every day in our past, we cannot with rational certainty claim the sun will rise tomorrow. Yet if someone walked up to you and said, “Hey – I’ll bet you ten bucks the sun won’t rise tomorrow,” I almost guarantee you would seize on the bet and whoop with joy about the ten bucks you’ve just earned. To Hume, and probably others, this was simply evidence that belief is more prevalent in factual knowledge than we conveniently recall. I prefer my interpretation: people are stupid, even the smart ones.
I’m stupid. Of that, there is little argument. There is great debate possible over of WHAT topics I’m blissfully dumb. There are many who argue over my definition of what constitutes a sport, for example. I’m fairly sure that I’m not the stupid one on that topic considering my opponents’ argument eventually paints them into a corner claiming that a 4’10” jockey who can hold onto a saddle, or a race car driver who can make a left turn is an equivalent athlete to Michael Jordan, Ken Griffey Jr., Fran Tarkenton, Steffi Graf, etc. But that’s beside the point. The point is… I know I’m stupid. It’s the discovery of what I’m stupid about that is fun and exciting.
Take my absence of writing for example. I stopped writing clever and brilliant pieces because of women. One woman left me for another guy, one woman dropped kicked me out of her life to stay with her guy, and another woman decided she needed to spend more time in another state. My desire to spew words onto computer screens went with their departures. Isn’t that stupid? The idea that one individual would tie his creativity and passion for language to the relationships he had with three women seems ultimately self-destructive. It would be like a doctor telling me, “You have cancer,” and I decide to run out and catch AIDS because screw you people who said it can’t get any worse! Yep. That was my stupid.
I’m not saying I’m better now. Just more aware of the stupidity that infects my brain. So as a public service, I’d like to point out some common “stupid” I’ve heard recently from others. Perhaps you’ll find a bit of stupid that has latched onto you. You won’t be able to cure yourself, but you might be able to at least shut down one stupid thing you do. Just like I’ve decided to start writing again; which has absolutely nothing to do with reconciling with one of the women, working through and adjusting to the dual-state relationship, and just not giving a crap about the other one anymore.
Example 1: Feminism isn’t Sexism
Hate to burst your bubble, Feminists, but if you call yourself a Feminist then you are by definition a sexist. You prefer to advance one gender over the other. Perhaps your goal was once to find equality. If it is still so, then call yourself an Equalist and start fighting for more joint custody of children in a divorce (instead of Mom getting sole custody 75% of the time), grow a mustache in November to raise awareness of prostate cancer after your husband spent a month wearing pink for breast cancer, and admit that women do earn as much as men when they have the same position/job. Is there still a big division between the number of male CEOs and female CEOs? Probably. But we can’t focus on the specific problems because you’re still trying to claim that all women make less than men. And if a woman can practice yoga in a skirt during work hours and I can’t claim it is sexual harassment, then I should be able to tell a joke with sexual innuendo that is not targeted directly at a co-worker without having to attend a five-hour sensitivity seminar. Equality, Feminists… join the club. And stop thinking you aren’t sexist. It’s in your title.
Example 2: Christians for Christ
Is there some other group that’s for Christ of which I’m not aware? This phrase pops up all over Internet communities: “Poetic Christians for Christ,” “Christians for the Ravens and Christ,” or “Southwest Regional Christians for Legalized Prostitution, Marijuana, and Street Racing… and Christ.” Psst, Christian groups… we know. Again, it’s in your name. We aren’t under the mistaken idea that there are some Christian Churches out there dedicated to actors Bale and Slater. If there is such a church, please use the phrase “Christians for Bale” to avoid confusion. Otherwise, we get it. Christianity is about Christ. You don’t have to be redundant. Makes you sound stupid. And believe me, there are ample atheists out there who already think you sound plenty stupid. So try not to give them more ammunition.
Example 3: Complimentary Airline Drinks
Just saw a commercial the other day that kinda steals my thunder on this (apparently a new airline wants the world to know about this bit of stupidity, but unfortunately their ad was ineffectual at getting their name stuck in my head). Airline drinks are not free. They are not even complimentary (meaning either free or as a means of saying thanks). You purchased a seat on the airplane and this particular airplane service has decided to offer a beverage with that seat. You paid for it. Here’s an actual example of complimentary: you walk into a restaurant with a screaming child, needing desperately to use a restroom to clean said child up. The hostess takes pity on you, and guides you to the restroom. When you emerge, said hostess actually hands you a glass of something to drink (the house’s red wine to calm the nerves for example) and wishes you a better day moving forward. That’s what the word complimentary means. It’s not a bag of nuts and half a can of Sprite poured over ice on a flight. You paid for that crap.